Most days, friendship becomes futile. People will always grow apart. Not that I have a say on it because friendship is one severely important matter in my life, but it's just that as I strive to find happiness somewhere, life kicks me hard in the butt and tells me how stupid and unworthy of what I want.

I only blog because I'm incapable of facing and talking to people. I'm incapable of showing how or what I really feel. I can't confide with anybody because I'm afraid of vulnerability and hurting other people that I'd rather hurt myself. I don't know if those people I consider friends notice who I am, that I am more than the naughty irritating girl around campus, around the web. But I don't blame them if they don't.

Last week, I promised myself I will exert all my will to make each day a happy one. I did so because last year, I spent my birthday crying under my pillow and I just can't understand why. Everything happened so fast. I don't understand why they happened, I don't understand why they were like that. I was happy. I was under the magic of having awesome friends and I thought everything was going to be okay.

Until Saturday happened.

This is the point why I'm back at blogger. This is the point of my last post in blogger. I know I'll never have the guts to face you again, I know I'll never bother you or your group ever again. But, if in case you're open to hearing my side, then here it is...


First and foremost, I apologize for what I did. I already hate myself for disappointing you, for making you mad, for raging you so hard that you run up to me that day. I won't think twice that you hate me as well. But know that I'm terribly sorry.

She was beside me, her bag was open and I saw it. I was me. I thought it was okay to be curiously naughty around your pack. I thought you understood that it's my nature to childishly bug people. I swear I didn't know what it was, and I have a similar thing like it. In all honesty, I was just curious if its label is the same as what I have. Again, I didn't know what it was.

I did open it, but I didn't read anything. All I saw were two pictures, and I didn't even read whatever that was written there. When I heard her tell you what I just did, that's only the time when I realized what it was, and when she asked for it, I gave it back. Please know that I admire the friendship between you two. It's something I always wanted to have, but never got the chance to. I was glad that such thing still existed, and I am happy that you have each other. Above all, I utterly respect all the things you share together.

After your phone call, I thought it was nothing --- what I did. Perhaps it was because she didn't say anything after that or maybe she was just so nice to get angry at me or something. As we head back to school, I just slept unaware of what awaits us.

When you walked towards me, I didn't know what you were talking about. I was even going to invite you to the acting workshop. I just woke up, and I can't understand what was going on. I was even cranky. When I realized how mad and anxious you were, that's the only when I realized how severely heavy what I did was. I didn't get the whole scene, but I know you're angry at me. I'm sorry.

Several emotions rushed in. No matter how much I tried to actually understand what was going on, I can't. I was anxious that you weren't taking anything of what I was saying. I was humiliated for as I looked upon the direction of your friends, they were all staring at me, at us and I can't understand what was going on. I felt like crying, but I was in no position to do so. I wanted to shout at you and ask you to punch and kick me so you'll be okay...so you'll feel okay. I didn't know what to say, or do. I didn't know any better but to walk away and realize that our frienship has already ended because of my stupidity.

I was humiliated. I was angry. I was sad. But more than anything else, I was depressed the entire weekend because I know everything ended right then and there. You were one of the most special friends I have outside my block, together with your group of friends. I wasn't expecting this. Well, I guess nobody expected this.

I know you'll probably never forgive me. But, it's okay. I understand. I don't think I'll be able to look at you straight in the eyes. I don't think I'll be able to talk to you or any of your friends. I don't think I'll have the guts to spend time with you ever again. But give me this little time to thank you for the friendship we had. It was pretty special for me, something I always looked forward to. And if you feel as irritatingly angry at me as you were last Saturday, don't worry. I will try my best not to show my face in front of you ever.

Just know that I'm sorry, for stomping on your privacy. I'm sorry for being stupidly curious. I'm sorry for being the naughty person that I am.

I know I am not in the right state to tell you this, but hold on to the magic you have with your friends. It's beautiful. Observing how everything unfolded, I am utterly happy for each of you. Thank you for what was.

Sincerely,
Mariel

(As posted @ Wordpress)

You wake up, and you just wish you hadn’t.

There are thousands of reasons – important reasons – that push you to do it, to let go and to finally turn your back on life. But you do not want to disappoint, in any way, those people who surround you. You scrutinize your life within the compounds of your inner thoughts, your personal life, and you just can’t deny the fact of how screwed up it is. You shed light on those factors outside it, and you see countless of people holding on to you, for you. Thus, you eventually lose grip on the thought of letting go

And then, you realize how strong you are for despite the chaos within you, you manage to get through days coming in so swift, and leaving you slowly, gently. You overcome each and every twinge and throb because you believe you have to stay for these people, for your dreams, and most importantly, for yourself. No matter how you stay solitary during the night, as tears become the only running motion within the four walls of your room, you always manage to get through it all. You survive.

You don’t know how you do it, but you survive.

Finally, you question the power of love.

Is love enough?

We all hope it is.

We always do.

♥yel

Labels: life, loneliness, mood jump

i want to write something but i cant topple my previous post. it's so heavy.

Saturday night was a bit devastatingly beautiful for me and this brand new chapter of my life. Since I was not fully aware of certain organizational activities and I have no intention to pretend that everything is and will be okay, I joined my parents plus my younger brother head off to Pampanga.

Labels: love

I don't want to sleep tonight.

Labels: life, loneliness, pangungulila, personal story

"I got the worst hangover with you."

I don't exactly know what's happening with my life. For the past few days, I've been spending my free time reading one specific Tumblr account that reflects some of the things I thought I was going through. The person who owns that account is located far away from where I currently live, but I was highly inspired with the way she handle things, write stuffs, and experience life.

I am building up a highly-dangerous emotional breakdown.

And so, I wrote her a letter. I wrote her a letter only because every time I check her site, I can't help but get bothered with how things turned out. Her story with her best friend was open-ended and the least that I can do is ask her what happened. Sorry for sheer curiosity.

I just thought I needed to share this info.

As for now, I have to study for Theology orals in less than three hours. :|

Wish me luck?

Everything started last night as I was trying to find my way back to drawing things, instead of opening my Theology121 and S&A notes.

I paused my life and wandered through those ignored thoughts of fragility and reckless impulsiveness. It wasn't easy, but I had to fix them, now or never. It was rather a moment of vulnerability and susceptibility to tears. Yet, I welcomed it.

It ended open-ended.

However, I felt like everything was put back into perspective. That night, last night, was a transition to something right.

I am going to make this right, this time.

So, now, I am filled with colorful inspiration. They push me towards that girl who will hop through those challenges of pain, faith, and all in between. I sincerely pray that everything will turn out to be just the way all of us wants it to be.

Thus, at this point, I have to leave so I can go back to my notes that was optedly ignored last night. I have two oral examinations this week, and I was never good at any talkings. :)

Labels: life, personal story, unconditional

Since last night, I've been on a teeth-clenching attempt to write all these overflowing thoughts in a document.

Overwhelmingly many that I do not know where to start. I don't know which one to prioritize. I have tons of angry, sad, motionless, draining and beautiful words to catch and battle with. It's so hard, but I'll get to that point one day.

How am I, really?

I don't know. I am starting to forget some people who were once significant to my life. Absolutely significant to my life, but they're slipping off of my life. I don't know, but I think I already lost them, they were incredible friends. I am guilty for taking them for granted, but see, I've been working my ass off in that specific area. I maybe weak, and that has always been the case.

I get hurt, and I hurt back the closest people I have.

I need to work on difficult things in life.

That's all.

Labels: heart, life, loneliness, write

Nasa Parañaque ako ngayon, kaya naman malaya akong nakakapagpost sa aking mga blogs dahil

1. Hindi limited time ang internet usage ko
2. Hindi ako inaantok
3. Hindi ako gaanong attracted sa acads life

Subalit, gayunpaman, nababawasan na naman ang gabundok kong gawain, unti-unting napupunasan ko na ang mga butil ng pawis na pumapatakpatak mula sa mga sweat glands/pores ko sa katawan na nakaiirita dahil gusto ko nang buksan ang aircon pero wala pala kami no'n sa sala kung nasa'n ang desktop PC na ito.

Bago kayo mahiwagaan mapraning sa title ng blog ko, wala lang talaga akong maisip na katuwatuwa. Dagdag pa rito, paumanhin sa mga obsessive-compulsive friends na mapapraning din sa walang kwentang grammatical usage na ginagawa ko rito, dahil kadalasan, high ako 'pag nagsusulat o nagtatype.

Ano ang nangyari ngayong araw:

1. Gumising ako ng sobrang aga para gawin ang Post Laboratory Report ko sa Chem. Isa ang lab sa mga kinaiibigan kong subjects dahil lab siya. Lab. Love. Lablove. Subalit, hindi ako umaarangkada sa mga scores ko, at nakahihibang din minsan dahil wala lang.
2. Naamaze ako sa bagong wallpaper ng Macbook na nilagay ng aking minamahal na kuya.
3. Nag-afterbreakfast kami ng aking minamahal na kuya sa McDonald's kung saan uminom ako ng kape at kumain ng apple pie. Napakasarap na kombinasyon! Natuwa ata masyado ang mga senses ko, at sumaya ako bigla at naging active at maligalig.
4. Sandali lang kami nag-PE.
   
5. Nagkita kami ng daddy ko sa Ayala station, at sabay kami umuwi.
6. Maaga akong nakauwi sa Parañaque.
7. Nakapag-nap ako ng maayos sa maayos.
8. Malapit ko na matapos ang mga tasks ko for today.
9. Masarap! :D

Ayan. 'Yan ang mga nangyari sa akin ngayong araw. Wala siya. Hindi ko sila napansin ngayong araw dahil wala siya. Buti na lang, dahil masaya ako. Okay ang araw na 'to!

Lubusang nagmamahal (pa rin),
♥YEL

Sa muling pagsikat ng araw, patuloy yakapin ang liwanag ng pagasang magiging maayos pa rin ang lahat. Magiging masaya rin sa bandang huli. Katulad ng dati.

Subalit hindi madali kahapon. Nagbabaga ang init at galit sa loob ng dibdib. Mayroong pwersang bumubulong na manakit - sarili o sila, walang pagkakaiba. May pagnanasang humarurot sa lansangan habang umuulan, subalit hindi kaya. Galit na nagmumula sa kalingkinan ng kalamnan, sa isang lugar na walang makahahanap kundi ang kabaitang hihila pabalik sa normal.

May pagasa pa nga ba?

Nasasaktan, nananakit. Pinipilit ang sarili sa mundong hindi kailanman mapapasakanya. Pinipilit intindihin ang mga bagay na hindi maiintindihan. Pilit ng pilit sa hindi naman kaya. Ano nga bang halaga?

Ang pagiwang nagiisa sa kanya, hindi madali. Masakit ang magisa. Nakangungulila. Nakaiiyak. Nakalulungkot. Subalit nasa isang lugar siyang wala nang ibang mapipili kundi ang hindi ipagpilitan ang sarili sa grupo na hindi naman mababagayan. Malungkot.

At sa muling paghimbing, patuloy pa ring luluha dahil hindi pa rin maintindihan. Hindi pa rin maunawaan ang nangyayari.

Galit pa rin at puot.
Subalit kailangan nang sipain paalis ng sistema.
Nakalulungkot.

Kung ilalathala ang istorya ng buhay mo
Mananatili akong nakatago
Isang malayong alaala
Babala sa mga pagkakamaling nagawa

Ang tula na ito ang tunay na gugunita
Nang kung sino ako’t ga’no kahalaga
Isang kwentong pilit na magsasadula
Entabladong walang manghuhusga

Kaya’t kunin ang pagkakataong ito
Bilang pagtatapat sa kamalian ko
Subalit bago ka tumayo’t biglang lumayo…
Wala akong kwenta kung wala sa piling mo

Ang tula na ito ay pipiliin kong itago
Dahil ito’y isang piraso ng nadurog kong puso
Isang babala sa mga puti’t itim na alaala
‘Yung tipong tinatapon at binabaliwala

Subalit ang tula ring ito ang mas magpapaliwanag
Sa tunay na kwento ng ating mga pangarap

Labels: mood jump, pag-ibig, pangungulila

I am confined at a position where even the tiniest bit of movement will make my heart burn and shatter into pieces, not as if it's not broken at the first place.

I think I have fallen for someone who likes another girl, and is being liked by another girl. Yes, there are 2 girls involved, other than me. The saddest part is, these girls have been close to my heart and just having the thought that we are intertwined by a single guy makes me awfully sick.

I don't know what to do. I don't know everything but to stop my heart from beating.

Personally, I think all of us gets into this position of selfishness, once in a while. We love and then we get ourselves heartbroken. Yet, as of this moment, I am not willing to let go. :(

I am Mariel Devela and I took advantage of my internet access to create my nth blog account.

I know, it's a bit stupid for creating another blog account that I won't be able to update every once in a while. Nonetheless, there are things in life that I really, really wanted to blab about...those that others find difficult to understand.

Anyway, there. Welcome to my site! I have to admit, this is not the coolest blog I have ever made. So, I apologize in advance.